Circus Brown's Not A Sideshow

Today I was calling a few garden centers around town looking for some live Ladybugs to release into my garden to eat up any pesky bugs I might have.  Nobody had any Ladybugs on the south end of the valley and I knew Western Gardens by Trolley would, but I didn't feel like going downtown during rush hour.  So I called Millcreek Gardens, even though it wasn't really on my way home. 

They said they had the bugs and they were charging $10 for them, so I headed their way, way-way out of my way.  I arrived at the business and started walking around looking for the bugs, I noticed an old man that worked at the business watching me.  I walked around in circles a few times and he just stood there scowling at me, no "may I help you find something?" or anything just watched me and followed me around like I was a criminal.  I don't think I looked like a criminal I was wearing my office clothing, so I just shrugged it off and kept shopping, I saw a few seeds I wanted to buy and picked them up, still being follow, I obviously was looking for something but the old guy didn't offer to help, just kept giving me the stench-eye.

Finally I found a refrigerator that lead me to believe by the signs that Ladybugs were inside, alas there were none to be bought. I asked the old man "hey, you out of Ladybugs?"

"We're out!" he replied very unhappily.

"Really", I laughed "did you run out in the last 5 minutes?"

"No, been out for weeks."

"Well I just called you, and I was told that you had them in stock so I drove across town just to come here and you don't even have them, thanks a bunch."

He got red in the face and yelled at me "WHO DID YOU CALL?!"

Calmly I replied, "this business, Millcreek Gardens. Whoever answered said you had Ladybugs, that's why I'm here."

"Nobody told you that!  We don't have them!"

"Ok, fine." I said, and I dropped the package of basil seeds I was going to buy on top of the fridge, "Well I'm not going to buy anything from you."  As I was walking out the door he was grumbling at me, I couldn't understand what he was saying, didn't care I wasn't ever coming back here again.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot I noticed the old man was behind my vehicle, with pen and paper writing something down, most likely my license plate.  I do not know why, I don't want to speculate, but I really can't understand what good would come of him calling in my plates, I did nothing wrong.

Nice work Millcreek Gardens, way to run a shop, someone better lock that old man down he's a loose cannon.

So I went to Western Gardens, they had the bugs, big on them.

This is how you Yelp.

I think it is finally time for me to help out all you young hopeful bands, and myself. Since I have a little radio show once a week that plays local Utah musicians I get several albums a week to listen to from said musicians.  To be blunt, most of the albums end up on the bottom "Junk" shelf of my CD rack; some of these I haven't even listened to, strike that - I give everyone 10 seconds.

There are plenty of reason why these discs end up on this shelf, and I'd like to help you out so this doesn't happen as often as it does. Let's start with the simple stuff first:

1. Packaging

The first thing I notice when I open up an envelope is the album, if its still in plastic wrap I laugh and pity the musician sending this out to record labels and radio stations all over the world.  I learned a long time ago from an asshole A&R guy that albums still in plastic wrap get thrown away at most record labels and even by snobby radio station music directors.  People, not just me, are really lazy and unwrapping something you don't even know you'll like isn't exciting.  This also goes for paper sleeve albums, cut or break the tab keeping the CD in, it's not going to escape in the mail.  I don't freak out about this, but bands do start with a -1 when this happens. The asshole A&R guy actually told me to break the jewel case so it doesn't snap shut, make life as easy as possible for the person you're trying to get to listen to your music.

2. Bio

After the album the next thing I notice is the Bio. I'm going to put this as gently as I can, please don't take this personally, I'm not a record label and I know when you send music to a label you always include a Bio, but when you're sending me your music save some trees. Why?  I don't give a fuck about how you became a band, where you're from, how many years you've been playing, what makes you make music. 

Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care. 

You know what else I don't like, 8.5 x 11 glossy photos, you know the pictures I'm talking about.  The sexy girl lead singer in the foreground and in the background is 2-5 dudes with crazy clothing/tattoos/piercings/facial hair/expressions. Some are without the sexy girl and its just 4 dudes looking in different directions, or all lined up, some folding their arms, others hands reverently behind their back, lead singer looking up at God like he's fucking blessed.   Someone with photoshop skills or actual photography skills has made the pic professional, great, woohoo. If the first thing I know about your band is how pretty/dorky/douchie you look there will be a much smaller chance I actually listen to your music, or like it.

3. Personalization 

You've made it this far, the CD has been opened, I'm about to put it in the CD player, you've got 10 seconds.   Is the first track going to catch my ear? No?  Did you send me a concept album and the first track is some garbage introductory track? When I hit play is it going to be a challenge for me to find something I like?  Well you should have written a simple little note and stuck it in the envelope or better yet a sticky on the CD that says "Hey Circus, listen to track 4".  That's all you needed to do son and I'll be all over track 4, if I like it, BAM it's going on the radio. It's just that simple. Don't tell me I'm going to love it, don't tell me it's the best song ever, just simply state which track or tracks to listen to, if there's 10 tracks on the album only recommend 3 at the most.

4. DIY

In this day'n'age anyone can download some software and turn their laptop into a recording studio, if your laptop recording sounds like the microphones are inside cinder blocks don't bother sending me the CD.  I really don't care if you send me a sweet looking album that looks like you blew a ton of your parents money on, or if you send me a burned CD. The only thing that matters is how it sounds.  If you're making me a burned CD then just throw your best song or 2 on there and be done with it.  If you're putting a whole album on the CD don't write all 20 track names on the CD, just write the track numbers you want me to listen to on the CD, guess this could go under #3 but who cares, it's the end of Smarch and it's snowing outside. 

5. 'Questing

Before I even start with this huge sentagraph I'm about to type, let it be known this is possibly the most important part of this blog.  Listener Requests - say your driving down the road and you hear me play something you like and you think 'hey if Circus likes this song he'd like this other song', so you dial me up while you're driving, endangering those motorists around you and make your request.  Don't.  Please, no requests. It's cool when someone knows my show and requests something we both like, but usually it's just chicks requesting The Cure, or dudes requesting Yeasayer/Fleet Foxes/Hold Steady or some other band I can't stand and I have to act nice and say 'oh sorry I didn't bring my soft-cock music tonight'.  I'm no statistician but I imagine 99% of the songs requested are already owned by the person requesting the song, do us all a favor and just play it from your own collection, you're iPod is fucking epic, we know.  I've been there, I used to be the 20something dude that thought he had some awesome taste in music, and I'd always call in requests for stuff I already owned.  I thought I was improving the station I was calling, those requests were never, EVER played. This is why I got my own radio show, what's the point of calling in a request? The best calls I get are the callers wanting to know what was just played, that must mean I played something good to that callers ears, that's why I like radio. Never, EVER request your own band. There, that's the key to being a musician. I only stop by the station on Friday, which means if I get a CD on Friday I'm not going to listen to it until Saturday at the soonest. If you dropped a CD off to me during the week and called me on Friday during my show and requested your own song, that album is now in the landfill. If you've had a relative call in and request your song you've got another -1 in addition to the -1 you got from the stupid band pic. When a woman calls in and requests a local band the first thing I ask is which band member she's fucking, It's usually the bass player. Never in the history of local requests have I receive a call like this "I was at the bar the other night and saw ____________ play, I loved them do you have any of their music?"  Seriously, that call would be awesome, but it's never happened. I usually hear about local bands from other bands saying you should check out so&so and then I go back to the junk shelf and get that bands album out.

Have a little bit of patience with me please, once you've dropped your album off to me, send me an email or fb message a week after and just say 'Hey Circus, this is Bob from Bobgina and the Diddlebangers did you get my songs? Did you like it?', that's all it takes. I'm a nice enough guy that if you went through the trouble of dropping it off or mailing it to me, I'll give you a good 10 seconds.

6. DON'TS!

I'm a proponent of local music, but I'm also a filter for local music.  Anyone can make music.  Let me say this again and let it sink in, ANYONE CAN MAKE MUSIC. I know this to be true, I learned how to play bass and guitar this year, having zero experience with playing any instrument in my life other than a recorder in elementary school, and I wouldn't put out an album and expect it to get played. If you have never listened to my show and think your music is good enough to play on my show, don't send it. If you've listened to my show and the type of music you make is not in any of the genre's I play, don't send it. If you're sending me music because you want your grandparents in Florida to hear it on the internet radio, don't, just rip it and email it to them. If you're in a Ska band, don't send it.  If you sing about 'loving you' or someone in the first 10 seconds of your song, don't send it. If you're in a rap, hip hop, or R&B band send the music to Friday Night Fallout that show's the shit and they have local artist on often doing great freestyle shit, I have tons of respect for the FNF live acts.   If the lyrics of your song contain anything about what your momma told you, don't send it, I don't fucking care to know what she told you. Does your singer sound like Fiona Apple, Jack Johnson, Amy Winehouse, or Scott Weiland, don't send it. If the only thing your band has going for it is good looks, don't send it. If the first 10 seconds of the track is mostly silence, don't send it. I know there is artistry in a build up, and a song doesn't have to just blast out at the first second but recently I received a whole album where each song took 15 - 30 seconds for each track to start. If you think Michael Franti is a God, don't send it. Don't start a FB page demanding people to request your music on my show.  If I won't be able to get past your bands name, don't send it. This includes "Toxic" in the band name, too long of band names(for example: if it's a whole fucking sentence it tires me out), if 'fuck' or 'shit' is part of your band name and you're not in The Fucktards don't send it, if you've replaced any 'S' with a 'Z' in your band name don't send it, if the name of your band totally gives away who you sound like don't bother as well.

Wow, this is getting really fucking complicated Circus, should I just give up on my dream of being a radio star? If you're questioning whether or not to send me a CD the best thing to do is not send it. If you're so cocksure about your shit not stinking send it, either you're awesome or myopic. 

If you decided not to read any of this babbling I just wrote down I'll sum it all up in closing.  Don't make me unwrap your gift, tell me 1 track that will catch my ear and doesn't just suck in the first 10 seconds, don't send me a picture or bio because the less I know the better, don't request yourself or have other request your band just talk to me when I'm not on the air, don't be in a lame band.  Now some of you are going to listen to my show and bitch about something you hear that you don't like, great, I can't please everyone, sorry in advance.

In closing this post had made me want to start my own 'Zine inspired by Mike Brown's awesome Leviathan.  A one page little thing that contains 10 second reviews, honestly music reviews have gotten so bogged down in wordplay and ball fondling that I usually give music reviews the same 10 seconds I give music, think I'll call it 10 Seconds to Suck.

Really? I'm a Sunglasses?

Well, thanks for making me aware of this Google.

So I come back and take a peek inside my blog and it turns out I have over 4000 comments to junk. Instead of deleting them all I've been editing and publishing some of the better spams, the World of Warcraft ones have been pretty entertaining, I have no idea why Blizzard is using my blog as a way to promote their new expansion pack, if they really want to use my site to publish it they should just buy a banner ad for this site. I have to warn you Blizz' the best video game ever made was Dark Ages of Camelot, hands down there has never been anything even close to as cool a game as that.

Other spammers interested in wanting my rss feed its simple http://circus.libsyn.com/rss there, enjoy. Lot's of new podcasts up so please click over there on the right and get busy with it!

Coming up this Friday November 26th, my Black Friday show, Cathy Foy will be performing live in studio, so you got that going for you. Please get over to KRCL.org and buy your Polar Jubilee tickets and come sit on my lap!

Since the podcasting is getting some good attention verging on viral-ality I decided it was time to join the 21st Century, or is it the 22nd now, and get an App.

For only $1.99 you too can bump around town blasting the latest awesomeness from Not a Side Show on your iPhone, iPad, or even on your sweet and sensitive iPod Touch.

Coming up on August 27th Dacho is going to be live on Not a Side Show, and I'll finally get to ask them 'What up with the gas masks?'

Show starts at 8 PM right after Amy Goodnews's Democracy Now, don't worry I'll play a few songs to help you dry those tears Amy encouraged and we'll have a swell final Friday of this 2010 summer.

So I've had this website for 10 years now, my brother Elath gave it to me for my birthday when I was living in Denver. Since it's been around a long time and I've amassed a bunch of blogs with various subjects I get a huge amount of spam comments daily. I've actually received 5 spams since I started writing this paragraph.

Even though it's spam sometimes I post the comments, I just delete the stock trading/porn/pyramid scheme/Misc German product websites and just post what people write. Some of my earliest posts were just set lists from my first few years of shows, I know somethings spam when they post a comment says how excellent my writing is on a set list. Actually I know someone is spamming me when they say how excellent my writing is! So I have around 800 spams from the last couple weeks to junk, maybe I'll get around to it, or just post them all, SPAM ON!

Anyways to update you on last month, I'm a numbers freak and we did hit 795 downloads for July, and are over 200 for August, I have no idea what's going on or how I'm getting all these downloads, but thanks, I hope you are enjoying the work ConMan and I are doing.

Tonight on Not a Side Show Blackhole is going to stop by for an interview and drop some freshly recorded tracks on the airwaves, so you got that going for you. I'll also be asking Blackhole about what actually is going on in the Horsehead Nebula, and why they left it for Salt Lake City.

On August 27th we'll have a live in studio performance by Dacho

I ate 37 tomatoes today.

Blackhole Podcast!

This year me and The ConMan have had a 30% increase in podcast downloads every month, and July is just going nuts! 432 in June, 690 so far in July, maybe we'll break 1000 in August, who knows.

Anyways this week is going to be pretty damn awesome because tomorrow Thursday July 29th I'm going to be co-hosting Mike Walton's show with special musical guests Spindrift. So tune in for that, same time as my show, but on Thursday 8 - 10:30 PM krcl.org 90.9 FM!!!

This Friday on Not a Side Show my special musical guest is going to be Max Pain and the Groovies. So we'll have a couple more sweet p'casts for you before the months over, and plenty more awesomeness to come in August. Next week I'll be subbing for Bad Brad Wheeler on Tuesday and Wednesday from 2 - 6 PM, so I got that going for me. Right now it's all about radio, Radio, RADIO!

P.S. I saw, that is to say I seen, Inception last night, meh. I mean it looked cool and was fun to watch, but it was too much like shutter island to me, like it was a dream sequence in Shutter Island 2: the Isthmus.

Collette took this awesome picture down on Boulder Mountain. June was pretty awesome, got a vacation in and over 400 podcasts were downloaded, most ever! Nice work clickers, thanks for checking out the show.

We're set to break 500 in July and it's only 4 days in!

Latest p'cast features Callow from New Oaksterdam, CA. Very cool, go download it!

If you haven't checked out Cephalotron you really should. This band reminds me of back when The Tremula was called Redd Tape. Their drummer Lazer couldn't make it so they used a drum machine, turned out really cool, download the podcast for free now, NOW, NOW!!!! I tells ya, NOW! Right here Circus Brown's Magic Podcastings

http://circus.libsyn.com/

Tonight on Not a Side Show my special guest is INVDRS, they'll be playing live in the studio promoting their soon to be released Electric Church. Tune in a little before 8 PM to 90.9 FM or online at KRCL.org .

This is INVDRS second performance on NASS, click the podcast link above to download the podcast of their first visit.

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