Bright Eyes - Possibly the worst fucking band EVER!
Open up any magazine or look at any music website that claims to be experts on what's what and you'll read about The Next Bob Dylan a.k.a. Conor Oberst. If you ever listen to my show you know that Circus Brown doesn't like Bob Dylan much, but I'm positive calling Conor his predecessor has old Bob spinning in his grave.
Let me give you some background on how I discovered Bright Eyes. My buddy Stu loves this website http://www.pitchforkmedia.com and he makes a good deal of his music purchases based on their reviews. I really don't believe what pitchfork says because they refuse to give Elf Power a decent review due to not liking their name. If they give an album a bad review, chances are its right up my alley, and if they give an album a great review or album of the year chances are its complete shit. For example The Rapture is one horrible fucking band and yet were given 2003's album of the year, and Stu convinced me they were great so I purchased the album, an album which I refuse to sell to a used CD shop, I wouldn't want someone to waste money on something this horrible. Trust me folks it sounds like a drunken Robert Smith stabbing himself in the leg while trying to sing.
The following sentagraph is sponsored by sunshine
So about a year and a half ago I read in the Salt Lake Weekly about some band called Bright Eyes, I'm intrigued, I check pitchfork, they give the album a crappy review, the math checks out, this might be a great band and something I can play on my show. WRONG! I purchased Fevers and Mirrors and popped it into my CD player... Track 1 features some kid reading something poorly, sounds like an old recording, maybe its young pseudo-Dylan, I don't care, in comes an acoustic guitar, oh pretty, then an Elliot Smith wannabe starts singing, oh for fucks sake cheer up kid. At the time this album was written phoBob was but 20 years old, and seriously if you're this depressed at 20 then you really sucked at all your teen suicide attempts. I quickly fast forward to Track2 it gets right to sucking, it makes me laugh cuz it reminds me of my trust fund vampire goth neighbors I used to have, money and lack of responsiblity made them so sad. Here comes track 3, wow its fast, its filled with more of Conors crybaby 'singing' a tamborine and a sweet Casio, its really stirring an emotion inside me, I lose control of my motor functions, the musics taken over my body, I watch my hands reach out in desperation and quickly fast forward to track 4. Oh wow, this isn't so bad, fuck he started singing FF. Track 5, man this dudes voice just sucks. Track 6, its called prozac dude please refill your prescription, wait is this song about dungeons and dragons? Track 7 oh cool, the mircophone is on one end of the hallway and Dylanzilla is on the other end of the hallway, there is no word or words that can describe the shittyness of this song or his voice, fill the fucking tub and cut X's this time, one slice usually isn't enough. Track 8, holy shit next Dylan, if a chick has a name you've never heard, can't spell, or couldn't actually imagine don't date her. Track 9 if you could remove or just ignore the singing the music is pretty sweet. Track 10, seriously man don't record your voice when you're sitting on a washing machine, pitchfork describes it as 'hypothermic' while I think 'just fucking aweful' is more appropriate. Anyone that can't sing can quaver their voice and get that same 'shivery' sound and hope that people don't realize that there's no way you can hold a note. Track 11 uhh... the fake radio interview, wow, just wow. Cheer up young camper, you know what you need? You need to get the hell out of Nebraska and see a few Broadway musicals. I knew right off the bat this had to be fake just because the DJ busts out with 'this is a really brilliant record, we're all really into it here at the station, we get lots of calls, its really good stuff' which is something every DJ says to any artist, except Bright Eyes. Track 12 thank God its almost over, whoa there son the spin cycle is really rockin that voice of yers, I'll never listen to this craptacular CD again, EVER.
The best thing about this CD is there is it comes with a little square of mylar that makes the album cover look like it has a real mirror on it. I cut the mylar into strips and used it as flash on a few streamer bodies.
Over the next few weeks you might read about Bright Eyes new albums I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning and Digital Ash in a Digital Urn all the media hype might make you feel the need to buy the albums, just download it, you see giving this guy money isn't gunna make him stop crying, it'll prolly just make him cry more and in '06 we'll have to read all about how he's still depressed.
Conor, the only reason you are making albums is because you were a goth kid that grew up in Nebraska, beaten daily by the rednecks, and raped occasionally by the football team. I'm sure it was rough, seek help, medicines and psychiatrists can work wonders on damaged psyches. Please, stop trying to bring the rest of the world down, we really don't care. And to all you Rednecks and Jocks, please stop beating up nerds all you're doing is creating more emo bands.
