Circus Brown's Dining Guide to Moab, Utah
I had a fine weekend, yes I did. I went down to Moab, Utah to visit Arches National Park and do a little fishing in the Colorado River. Mary and I decided to try out some of the local cuisine and let me tell you right now, if you travel to Moab cook for yerselves.
The first place we went to was Eddie McStiffs, I've been to brewery's all over the country and have always had great meals, have you ever had a McStiffs beer? I should have known, I've had their "beer" before, I believe all their beers are unfiltered hef-like beers, maybe because their too cheap to buy a filter, or if its not a hef they add some shitty fruit flavor to cover up the ass like flavor of their Colorado River irrigation ditch water. I ordered up a rotisserie chicken, because I like bird and according to the menu they change the way its cooked daily, heck ya! Well it took me 5 glasses of water and 1 pint of a truly horrid Raspberry Stout to wash half of this fowl down. How the fuck does a rotisserie bird get so dry? Smiths sells the same cut for $3 and its fucking delicious.
Eddie go back to fixing bikes yer eatery is as big of a joke as the swill you pass off as beer. I'm sure the cooks there are just punching a clock and working as fast as they can so they can get back on the trail, or the river, or the rock, or whatever they do, hell they could be stabbing Castle Valley hookers in their spare time, but one thing I'm sure of is they don't give a damn about how shitty the slop they serve tastes.
The next place I visited was also on Main Street Moab, and I should have known from the minute I walked in and saw a picture of Laura Bush on the wall from her night of fine Mexican dining. The place is called Fiesta Mexicana, yeah I'm an idiot for going to a place with such a creative fucking name. The chips and salsa were freakin' delicious; then the meal came.
Mary's taco disintegrated as soon as she picked it up, then I looked at my Tacos Al Carbon, which mean Carbon Flavored Tacos.
First of all the soft tacos had a "sauce" on the tortilla making it impossible to pick up and eat in the universally known taco style of eating a taco; you see I ordered a taco so I could pick it up and eat it like a taco, FUCK! Then there was the parmesan cheese, yes you read that correctly, fucking parmesan cheese on a fucking taco so my whole plate smelled like a fucking shoe.
I decided to just skip the whole outside disaster of the "taco" and get to the delicious carbon skirt steak on the inside of the stinky taco. I've cooked a skirt steak before its a really thin piece of meat and you grill it for like 2 minutes on each side on a really hot grill. The grill gives it that Carbon or charcoalie taste. If you lied to me about it being grilled, then yer probably throwing it in a frying pan which isn't hot enough so you leave it in there for 10 minutes on each side to get it burnt enough to look grilled and it'll come out like a piece of rubber. That is exactly what I was given, a taco that not only smelled like a shoe but was also just as rubbery as a shoe.
For 2 days I played Russian roulette with my guts who are now making me suffer. Moab, Utah you've got a ton of work ahead of yerself if you wanna get me to come back. Watch the food network and stop hiring meth'd out rock tweeking spokeheads for chefs.
Arches was nice, and there's so many catfish in the Colorado you can't even get a worm to the bottom, fishin' tips coming this weekend on Not a Side Show so you best tune in!