Circus Brown's Not A Side Show

So much talk these days of drilling for oil in ANWR, for those of you that aren't familiar with the acronym it stands for Artic National Wildlife Refuge which covers about 19 million acres of Alaska. Now you might hear douchebags like Rush or his whinier Mormonier ex-Alcoholic ditto'r Glenn Beck mention that they've seen pictures of the area and its a deserted wasteland and a few oil rigs would probably spice up the view. They also combat the theory of "Drilling will harm the mating behavior of Caribou" with "SO WHAT!? Humans could mate next to or on top of an oil derrick, why can't Caribou?" Mental note google oil derrick porn. I've heard both of these guys guffaw and boo-hoo about the poor Caribou's sex lives like it means so much less then that sweet liquid gold they're itching their jocks for.

Now before I go any further, let me explain myself. Yes I do listen to Right-Wing-Fuckwad-Blowhard-Pill-Popping Talk Radio, I figure I have to because I have to know my enemy and their followers. I would prefer sticking blades of crabgrass into my pee hole over listening to these assholes, but this week I decided I was going to try and go music free you know like cleaning out the old liver. I know every time I go four or five days without a Pabst Light and then chug one I become a road scholar. So the plan was go without music, then when I stick some in my ear I might be inspired to do a kick ass floor routine, or possibly play something decent on my show. Instead I lasted one full day listening to Talkbag Radio and then went to Slowtrain and picked up an album by a new band Crystal Antlers and it hasn't left my stereo yet.

Anyways before I go any further here's a nice picture of a tiny piece of ANWR.

Not too shabby eh? I imagine there's some sweet Arctic Char in that river, just waiting for a nice humpy or bead-headed prince nymph for a snack, I ain't gunna do no shadow casting fancy pants, I'm just gunna catch'm, which I think is legal in ANWR as long as I don't jam my rod into the earth and create a small Valdez. Thats right folks, there's so much fucking oil underneath the soil in that picture we could live forever off it, and in 5 to 12 years it could be in our cars! I think they should put new pumps in ever gas station that dish out just ANWR oil, because I don't want that crap from the desert I want Exotic Red White & Blue Arctic Oil from the land of the now extinct polar bear! Oil harvested by hard working Americans, oil that's never been cooked in 120 degree weather, oil that was taken in broad daylight at 3 in the morning from the land where the sun never sets!

So where was I? Oh yes, talk radio hosts and their bleached blossoms, I still have no idea why anyone in radio would actually worry about having a perfect looking balloon knot. Then again I've only been on the radio three hours a week for 6 years which equates to me holding a full time job for less then 25 weeks. I'm starting to think that the high amounts of Sodium hypochlorite degrades ones judgment.

Now these white asses are saying that we shouldn't vote for Obama because of the comedians, won't somebody please think about the comedians?!?! Right-Radio says if we elect McCain there's a ton of great comedians that will get to impersonate McCain, hell maybe SNL will actually be funny again if we elect McCain. So you see according to Beckbaugh if we elect our first African American President only the African American comedians will be able to impersonate Obama, putting many white comedians back on the street and leaving at least another 4 years of suffering ahead for Dana Carvey. I'm no expert but Rush and Glenn sound pretty fucking racist right? Well the good and bad news is nobody in the media is reporting that they've said these things, which either means that the media has been compromised, or hopefully that I'm the only one listening and nobody caught it.

Now I need to get back on track, where did this all start at? Ah yes, fucking Mother Earth's seemingly virgin topside. I started to worry about drilling a few glory holes in the old lady, and when I gets worried who do I turn to? Well Hollywood of course, just like the rest of you! So I Netflix'd There Will Be Blood to learn as much as I possibly could about the oil industry in under 3 hours. Boy did I learn a hell of a lot about what's going to happen if we drill up there in ANWR!

First of all the people that own the land (300 million of us, and the wildlife living there) are going to get fucked, and not the good kinda fucked that creates illegitimate babies. I mean fucked like we ain't gunna get a dime and CEO's and Execs will be flying to Thailand with our gas money to have sex with underage boys while prismatic panoramas that've never seen technology get ear-fucked in their eye holes by oil companies. You know what else that movie taught me? That if we drill for oil and strike it rich our children might become deafened by the oil derricks, so that's what this really comes down to, the children. Write your Congressmen (yeah right, they won't read what you send them unless its about stopping flag burning) or Senator (who's probably drilling a page or trying to get drilled in a public restroom and should just come out of the closet so its cool) and tell them we need to stop this drilling before we all have to learn sign language.

The Rubes will be performing new songs live on Not a Side Show at 10pm this Saturday night August 23rd on KRCL 90.9 FM KRCL.org