Time for a blanket statement from Circus Brown
Vampires are dumb.
I'm trying to not be a dick accidentally in public, I'm failing. Last week on a flight to Los Angeles I sat next to a woman quietly for the entire flight. I was reading Cobert's I Am America (And So Can You!), and it seemed like the entire flight this woman wanted to talk to me, I didn't oblige.
Finally we land, bad landing and we both turn to each other and share a laugh of relief at the landing. Then she says "So are you excited to see Twilight?"
I paused for a few second, as I mentioned earlier I was trying to not be a dick. I haven't read the book, I don't really care about vampires, I mean shit Lost Boys was great and there hasn't been anything good since, right? I mean in the 90's I was talked into reading Anne Rice books, I got through two of them, then a hundred pages into the third book I just couldn't do it anymore. Vampires had become dull. Boring. To me vampire books and movies were about as intense as masturbating through a long yawn.
"Is that the hot vampire teen movie?" I reluctantly asked.
"YES!"
"Yeah, that looks about as worthless as Transformers."
"No it doesn't, if you'd read the book you'd be so excited to see it. It's the best book I've ever read."
"Yeah but vampire stories are all the same. Somebody gets seduced, usually somebody young and hot. They're stuck forever looking young and hot, but they can't go out in the day and must drink blood nightly(and sometimes they can go out in the day, depending on who wrote the story, how convenient!). They always fuck it up because they aren't that into killing, miss thanksgiving dinners, or they decide the person that turned them into a vampire is a dick and they want their old life back. And in some vampire movies they put sunshine in bullets and hunt vampires!" then I just started laughing, "Sunshine in bullets! Or the vampire decides to start a rock band, or travel forward and backward through time doing everything and anything they've ever wanted to but couldn't in regular life" laughing even harder "and somehow it comes down to vampires are like Jesus and are Gothic martyrs and it all just ends up stinking like Keanu flying around like Superman. Yeah, vampires... not a fan."
She got up and stood there ignoring me about to explode. I've see that look a hundred times, she wants to scream loud enough to rip off all my skin, but she also wants to act like I'm not there but make sure I know she's mad, but for the first time ever its a total stranger that wants me dead. As soon as the isle was clear she rushed off the plane.
Oh well, it's not like I could have even started a relationship with some hot librarianesque woman that loves vampires. I'm probably isolating myself just by typing this up. Seriously I don't know much about vampires, other then they're fucking played. I wouldn't buy a ticket to see a vampire movie, rent one, or even read a chapter of another vampire book. I get it, the life of a vampire is a lonely life. But every time a new vampire movie or book comes out I'm told it something totally new and differn't and I'll love the twist or the new take on vampires. I doubt it. What because of the title of this movie do they get to come out earlier in the night for happy hour? If they aren't packing hollow points with rays of light I don't care.
Don't Care. Don't Care.
Near Dark now there's a kick ass vampire movie, Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, and a misfit group of vampires drive around a shitty van with sunglasses on and tinfoil on the windows. But still that movie kinda sucked, watch it, it sucks just like every other v-pire movie, but its funnier then most. Vampire's Kiss is another awesome vampire movies and only one of a handful of good performances by Nick Cage. No complaints, I'll just put that up there as the best blood sucking movie out there that isn't porn. No need to ever make another movie about Dracula again.
So this morning I'm on a flight back down to L.A. Young 25 year old girl to the right of me, LDS, unmarried went on a mission. To the left hot Orange County MILF who happened to have a 25 year old daughter. What did they talk about? Yep, they talked about the big suck that's a coming. I just either pretended to sleep or read my book as they talked across me. I skirted the question early in the discussion, but 45 minutes later they asked me again. What should I do, be a dick again? Pretend to enjoy stupid movies and just be a nice guy? Act as if I had no idea there was a movie coming out? Change the subject?
"Never heard of it."
"WHAT!" In stereo.
"Sorry never heard of it, but I see tons of commercials for it."
"Well you've got to see it!"
"Yeah, that'll never happen I gave up on vampire movies. Plus aren't all vampire movies the same?"
"This one isn't, its going to be the best vampire movie ever!" Then they launch into an explanation about how awesome these here vampires is. I just tuned it out, I mean come on yes we all want to be teenage vampires I get it.
"Well if you don't like vampires then what do you like?"
"Music"
"You'll love the soundtrack!"
"Is it as good as Flash Gordon's Soundtrack?"
"Whaaa?"
"I dunno, Twilight, it looks like The Hills but with blood sucking... err wait, it is The Hills right?"
They sighed in stereo, so disappointed. We landed in silence.
As the three of us got out of our row and off the plane they were still talking and both turned to me and gave me that smirk stupid dismissing smile goodbye you are pathetic look. I smiled and said, "Well, I hope you enjoy your Potter-Vampire show" I did it again.
I'm glad I did, am I the only person in this country without a vampire penis in his mouth?
I got on the rental car shuttle, sat down and looked out at Century Blvd. Just as we left the airport there was a billboard for it. I kinda chuckled to myself, then the guy next to me turned to his co-worker and pointed at the sign and said "Dan, you gunna see that movie? I just finished the book, so AWESOME!"
I stood up and walked to the back of the bus.
