Vampires are dumb.

I'm trying to not be a dick accidentally in public, I'm failing.  Last week on a flight to Los Angeles I sat next to a woman quietly for the entire flight.  I was reading Cobert's I Am America (And So Can You!), and it seemed like the entire flight this woman wanted to talk to me, I didn't oblige.

Finally we land, bad landing and we both turn to each other and share a laugh of relief at the landing.  Then she says "So are you excited to see Twilight?"

I paused for a few second, as I mentioned earlier I was trying to not be a dick.  I haven't read the book, I don't really care about vampires, I mean shit Lost Boys was great and there hasn't been anything good since, right?  I mean in the 90's I was talked into reading Anne Rice books, I got through two of them, then a hundred pages into the third book I just couldn't do it anymore.  Vampires had become dull.  Boring.  To me vampire books and movies were about as intense as masturbating through a long yawn.

"Is that the hot vampire teen movie?"  I reluctantly asked.

"YES!"

"Yeah, that looks about as worthless as Transformers."

"No it doesn't, if you'd read the book you'd be so excited to see it.  It's the best book I've ever read."

"Yeah but vampire stories are all the same.  Somebody gets seduced, usually somebody young and hot.  They're stuck forever looking young and hot, but they can't go out in the day and must drink blood nightly(and sometimes they can go out in the day, depending on who wrote the story, how convenient!).  They always fuck it up because they aren't that into killing, miss thanksgiving dinners, or they decide the person that turned them into a vampire is a dick and they want their old life back.  And in some vampire movies they put sunshine in bullets and hunt vampires!"  then I just started laughing, "Sunshine in bullets!  Or the vampire decides to start a rock band, or travel forward and backward through time doing everything and anything they've ever wanted to but couldn't in regular life" laughing even harder "and somehow it comes down to vampires are like Jesus and are Gothic martyrs and it all just ends up stinking like Keanu flying around like Superman.  Yeah, vampires... not a fan."  

She got up and stood there ignoring me about to explode.  I've see that look a hundred times, she wants to scream loud enough to rip off all my skin, but she also wants to act like I'm not there but make sure I know she's mad, but for the first time ever its a total stranger that wants me dead.  As soon as the isle was clear she rushed off the plane.  

Oh well, it's not like I could have even started a relationship with some hot librarianesque woman that loves vampires.  I'm probably isolating myself just by typing this up.  Seriously I don't know much about vampires, other then they're fucking played.  I wouldn't buy a ticket to see a vampire movie, rent one, or even read a chapter of another vampire book.  I get it, the life of a vampire is a lonely life.  But every time a new vampire movie or book comes out I'm told it something totally new and differn't and I'll love the twist or the new take on vampires.  I doubt it.  What because of the title of this movie do they get to come out earlier in the night for happy hour?  If they aren't packing hollow points with rays of light I don't care.

Don't Care.  Don't Care.

Near Dark now there's a kick ass vampire movie, Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, and a misfit group of vampires drive around a shitty van with sunglasses on and tinfoil on the windows.  But still that movie kinda sucked, watch it, it sucks just like every other v-pire movie, but its funnier then most.  Vampire's Kiss is another awesome vampire movies and only one of a handful of good performances by Nick Cage.  No complaints, I'll just put that up there as the best blood sucking movie out there that isn't porn.  No need to ever make another movie about Dracula again.

So this morning I'm on a flight back down to L.A.  Young 25 year old girl to the right of me, LDS, unmarried went on a mission.  To the left hot Orange County MILF who happened to have a 25 year old daughter.  What did they talk about?  Yep, they talked about the big suck that's a coming.  I just either pretended to sleep or read my book as they talked across me.  I skirted the question early in the discussion, but 45 minutes later they asked me again.  What should I do, be a dick again?  Pretend to enjoy stupid movies and just be a nice guy?  Act as if I had no idea there was a movie coming out?  Change the subject?

"Never heard of it."

"WHAT!" In stereo.

"Sorry never heard of it, but I see tons of commercials for it."

"Well you've got to see it!"

"Yeah, that'll never happen I gave up on vampire movies.  Plus aren't all vampire movies the same?"

"This one isn't, its going to be the best vampire movie ever!"  Then they launch into an explanation about how awesome these here vampires is.  I just tuned it out, I mean come on yes we all want to be teenage vampires I get it.

"Well if you don't like vampires then what do you like?"

"Music"

"You'll love the soundtrack!"

"Is it as good as Flash Gordon's Soundtrack?"

"Whaaa?"

"I dunno, Twilight, it looks like The Hills but with blood sucking... err wait, it is The Hills right?"

They sighed in stereo, so disappointed.  We landed in silence.

As the three of us got out of our row and off the plane they were still talking and both turned to me and gave me that smirk stupid dismissing smile goodbye you are pathetic look.  I smiled and said, "Well, I hope you enjoy your Potter-Vampire show" I did it again.  

I'm glad I did, am I the only person in this country without a vampire penis in his mouth?  

I got on the rental car shuttle, sat down and looked out at Century Blvd.   Just as we left the airport there was a billboard for it.  I kinda chuckled to myself, then the guy next to me turned to his co-worker and pointed at the sign and said "Dan, you gunna see that movie?  I just finished the book, so AWESOME!"

I stood up and walked to the back of the bus.

Tonight McCain pulled off what was probably his best speech since 2000, and it was moving to hear him actually speak from the heart, an organ Orrin no longer has. John asked for unity, while Orrin thought of building a wall around Utah.

Now I'm not going to get into politics about how good or bad Senator Hatch is, this isn't a political blog, this is about music and what I'd like to point out to everyone today is how incredibly terrible Senator Orrin Hatch's music is. Folks behold Utah's worst musician:

Hatch Music dot com thats right 9 unlistenable albums SIX of which are NEW!

Folks I don't care if you would rather pull bong rips to "My God is Love" or getting yer rocks off means bumping "Christ was Able" while being auto-asphyxiated. It's just not my thing, I just want to put this out for everyone and let them know that out of more then 1000 local Utah musicians EVERYONE is better then our Senator. I think the atrocities of what he's said trying to fight the inevitable doesn't even compare to the atrocities of what he's created in the studio. Now is the time for Unity and I ask all of you to unite and boycott every piece of art Orrin has ever put out to the masses.

Orrin I will work for the rest of my days to better our community, a job you were elected for but for some unknown reason fight against and ignore. Senator our country has made a decision and you have as well, I hope you enjoy staying stuck in the mud, I will forever be disgusted by your music.

I'm Circus Brown and I approve this message.

Anyways, back to what really is important (yes I voted early) music podcasts, the newest of which is a podcast of LASERFANG playing 6 songs in the studio, you can check it out right now! Where? Here Circus Browns Podcast Central!.

Have a great election day, get out and play in the snow, come next year we might not have any!

I've had some crazy people try some crazy stunts to get played on my show, but this is ricockulous. Stay tuned kids, December is the planned month of release, we'll see if she really shows up for a live performance on KRCL.

Howdy kids!  Today's a pretty big day for me, its my 6th Anniversary with KRCL!  Back in 2002 at 3 in the morning I did my first show, and if yer interested in what I played that first day scroll down and take a gander.

Also today Gavin over at KUTV Channel 2 has posted an interview with me, I tell all the dirty things you don't know about me, my real name, my favorite toothpaste, what I think of Ho-Ho's, and the 2 things I do before I go to bed every night.  You can check out the interview at Gavins Underground

September 23, 2002

Circus Browns Not a Side Show (The Very, Very, First Show)

This is a short video showing what we do every year at the Farmers Market Chef's Challenge and also here is the article about the Challenge from Salt Lake Magazine:

http://www.saltlakemagazine.com/Blogs/On-the-Table/September-2008/The-judges-were-the-real-winners/

Just a few weeks ago, August 16th to be exact, a band came down to the KRCL studio and played some sweet tunes that put a big smile on my face.  That band was Kid Theodore

I liked the show and interview so much I talked them into letting me podcast it, so here it is for your listening enjoyment Not a Side Show podcast of Kid Theodore Live in Studio 8-16-08

Give it a listen, I hopes you likey.  Also if yer up after 10:30 tonight, turn on KRCL 90.9 FM I'm hosting the Zombie Birdhouse since Kahli fled the state last night on the rails, I hope I do her show some good.

This weekend on Not a Side Show Chris Merritt will be live in studio, a send off for his upcoming national tour, you can tune in at 90.9 FM in Utah or krcl.org everywhere!

p.s. I'm wearing white

Circus

Now before I go any further, let me explain myself. Yes I do listen to Right-Wing-Fuckwad-Blowhard-Pill-Popping Talk Radio, I figure I have to because I have to know my enemy and their followers. I would prefer sticking blades of crabgrass into my pee hole over listening to these assholes, but this week I decided I was going to try and go music free you know like cleaning out the old liver. I know every time I go four or five days without a Pabst Light and then chug one I become a road scholar. So the plan was go without music, then when I stick some in my ear I might be inspired to do a kick ass floor routine, or possibly play something decent on my show. Instead I lasted one full day listening to Talkbag Radio and then went to Slowtrain and picked up an album by a new band Crystal Antlers and it hasn't left my stereo yet.

Anyways before I go any further here's a nice picture of a tiny piece of ANWR.

Not too shabby eh? I imagine there's some sweet Arctic Char in that river, just waiting for a nice humpy or bead-headed prince nymph for a snack, I ain't gunna do no shadow casting fancy pants, I'm just gunna catch'm, which I think is legal in ANWR as long as I don't jam my rod into the earth and create a small Valdez. Thats right folks, there's so much fucking oil underneath the soil in that picture we could live forever off it, and in 5 to 12 years it could be in our cars! I think they should put new pumps in ever gas station that dish out just ANWR oil, because I don't want that crap from the desert I want Exotic Red White & Blue Arctic Oil from the land of the now extinct polar bear! Oil harvested by hard working Americans, oil that's never been cooked in 120 degree weather, oil that was taken in broad daylight at 3 in the morning from the land where the sun never sets!

So where was I? Oh yes, talk radio hosts and their bleached blossoms, I still have no idea why anyone in radio would actually worry about having a perfect looking balloon knot. Then again I've only been on the radio three hours a week for 6 years which equates to me holding a full time job for less then 25 weeks. I'm starting to think that the high amounts of Sodium hypochlorite degrades ones judgment.

Now these white asses are saying that we shouldn't vote for Obama because of the comedians, won't somebody please think about the comedians?!?! Right-Radio says if we elect McCain there's a ton of great comedians that will get to impersonate McCain, hell maybe SNL will actually be funny again if we elect McCain. So you see according to Beckbaugh if we elect our first African American President only the African American comedians will be able to impersonate Obama, putting many white comedians back on the street and leaving at least another 4 years of suffering ahead for Dana Carvey. I'm no expert but Rush and Glenn sound pretty fucking racist right? Well the good and bad news is nobody in the media is reporting that they've said these things, which either means that the media has been compromised, or hopefully that I'm the only one listening and nobody caught it.

Now I need to get back on track, where did this all start at? Ah yes, fucking Mother Earth's seemingly virgin topside. I started to worry about drilling a few glory holes in the old lady, and when I gets worried who do I turn to? Well Hollywood of course, just like the rest of you! So I Netflix'd There Will Be Blood to learn as much as I possibly could about the oil industry in under 3 hours. Boy did I learn a hell of a lot about what's going to happen if we drill up there in ANWR!

First of all the people that own the land (300 million of us, and the wildlife living there) are going to get fucked, and not the good kinda fucked that creates illegitimate babies. I mean fucked like we ain't gunna get a dime and CEO's and Execs will be flying to Thailand with our gas money to have sex with underage boys while prismatic panoramas that've never seen technology get ear-fucked in their eye holes by oil companies. You know what else that movie taught me? That if we drill for oil and strike it rich our children might become deafened by the oil derricks, so that's what this really comes down to, the children. Write your Congressmen (yeah right, they won't read what you send them unless its about stopping flag burning) or Senator (who's probably drilling a page or trying to get drilled in a public restroom and should just come out of the closet so its cool) and tell them we need to stop this drilling before we all have to learn sign language.

The Rubes will be performing new songs live on Not a Side Show at 10pm this Saturday night August 23rd on KRCL 90.9 FM KRCL.org

Anytime you wanna check out my podcasts just clicky there so you can go here to my home page of pocastiliciousnesses.

I wrote a little review for City Weekly, I think I'm gunna write a few more. You can see my first one on TESLA HERE

Thanks for your time, DON'T spay or neuter yer pets, who gave you the right to play God?

Where the hell is my stimulus check?

I think the only time I've ever seen a turnip was on Looney Tunes, and usually it was something not very delicious and only eaten to stave off hunger. Due to too much cartoon watching as a child just the name of this vegetable makes it sound bitter, but I'm not one to talk about something unless I've experienced it.

A couple of weeks ago I was working the KRCL booth at the Farmers Market and the growers next to me gave me their last bag of turnips as they were shutting down for the day. I held on to them for a few weeks not knowing what to do with them. Yesterday I was working on my chicken smoking and knew I needed a side dish, so what the hell, I gots me some turnips in the fridge guess I'll cook'm up.

I had 7 or 8 nice ones, I peeled them, and quartered them and put them in some boiling water. I wish I would have cut a little bit more off the top because there was some hard to swallow fibrous pieces in the really big turnips, but no complaints. After they boiled and got a little soft I rinsed them off and dried them in a colander. I then got about 2 tbsp of butter melted in a skillet and tossed in the turnips, after about 10 minutes they started to get browned on all sides I put in about 2 tbsp of brown sugar. I know, I know, anything you add brown sugar and butter to will be delicious, but folks I'm telling you try some turnips they really do kick ass!

I'd suggest going down to yer neighborhood farmers markets and get some this week, and get yerself some ham hocks to cook with the turnips greens!

http://media.switchpod.com/users/circus/BucknerGarciaInterview.mp3

Hope you enjoy it!

cb

There is one group of people that have the absolute worst taste in music, no other group of people on the entire planet Earth have shittier tastes in music then these people.

Now I know right now yer thinking I'm going to throw down and say I hate polka, hip-hop, U2, or country or smooth jazz, right? WRONG!

You see I fish a hell of an oftenly, and there is one thing I can set my watch by, and that is the insanely horrible music that will be blaring out of any wake/water skiing boat on any given body of water ANYWHERE.

Here's a simple warning, if you see this in the distance

Brace yerself for some shitty music.

Last week I was up at East Canyon, just me and the dog, nobody for miles, nobody on the entire lake but 4 doucheboaters with a sweet sound system. Of course they notice someone all alone on the shore enjoying themselves and they have to drive right over and wake board where I'm fishing. What awesome music were they listening to as they buzzed my beach? Yeah Coldplay, which shocked me, they actually had new music, which is rare for their ilk, but hell it was probably just the 30 seconds from an Apple commercial looped for 55 minutes.

A few days ago I was up at Pineview, out on my boat, rowing around not catching anything or even getting any bites, alone, happy to not be bothered. Loneliness is the nemesis of the wake boarder, they saw me there steeped in solitude and had to ruin it, a nice pass within 200 feet of me ought to do some good, what were these doucheboaters listening to? CHER. Yep, fucking Cher. They looped around me and headed back out to the main channel. 5 minutes later they came back, well I couldn't really tell if this was the same boat or not all these fucks look exactly the same to me. This time some Toby Keith was oozing out of the poor speakers on the boat. Once again a loop around my solace and back out to bother other boaters with their choice in sweet boardin' music. Back they came again, they just couldn't get enough of me out there all alone without sweet tunes, this time they were listening to, and I'm not fucking kidding the Goo Goo Dolls.

Usually when I'm at a lake that contains water enthusiasts I just rake my arms with fishing hooks to distract the pain in my ears. I'm sick if slicing myself just to keep from hearing what passes as 'Tubular listening while cuttin' some sweet wakage' or however the fuck these imbeciles try to justify the craptacular soundtracks of their lives. I've heard idiots like this playing a fucking Blue Collar Comedy Tour CD while boating at Deer Creek, WHY?! Why the fuck would you do that to people you don't even know? Do you just want everyone to hate you? Is this some ingenious scheme to get people to leave the lake? These are the same folks that I saw at Utah lake playing the opening minute or so of Enter Sandman, over and over and over and over. Seriously, like everyone at the marina was interested in hearing a song that died 16 years ago.

Sure I'm a music snob and I've been out there in a boat with speakers blaring Fugazi or The Flaming Lips to the embarrassment of the people on our boat. I guess yer supposed to listen to shitty music everyone can put up with, you know like KODJ or The JACK FM. Better yet listen to nothing, please! Enjoy nature and stop trying to pickup some Echo Res. trim with yer mixed CD of Jamiroquai, Creed, and Seven-Mary-Three. Sure we can all tell by yer taste in music that you graduated high school in 1999 and haven't updated your music as much as you have your rims.

Another thing that really pisses me off about Wakebags is every fucking story has the same beginning and ending, here is a basic wakebagging story:

So like all of the sudden we woke up All the sudden you did eh? And like the lake was like glass you know, it was like all like a mirror you know? So like we were all shitcha! Lets hurry and get some Jim Beamoritas in us and get on that water and TEAR IT UP YO! So like there we was and we was just goin like ape shit on that lake right like you know? And then Sal he like tries to pull like this Christfuck 720 ditchweed fakey right? And like since like the lake is all glass like the board like just bounces off it and like flies like up in his face and like I'm tryin to like smoke this bowl in all the wind and it was like our last bowl and like I see the board like up in his grill and like blood is like flying all over like the lake and I like blew the bowl out all over like Mikeys new boat right? And like right then we like have Don't Fuck'n Look by Slightly Stoopid playin and I was all whoa dude don't fuck'n look at Sals face! But there he is and like 127 stitches in his face later he's still a muthafuckin' pimp yo!

I'm getting so pissed off thinking about all the wakebags that've destroyed the air of so many days I might need to end this thing quick!

I just don't understand the need to demonstrate ones lack of musical taste at state parks, sure we hear it everyday at any given stop light, low riding rice wagons that vibrate so much with bass you can't even understand what the 'music' is that's playing. But to destroy nature with Insane Clown Posse, Matchbox 20 or Sugar Ray should be a crime.

One thing I forgot to mention, WAKEBOARDERS RIDE A COCKHORSE!